Happy St. Patrick’s Day this week! I hope you and your family enjoy it.
Last week, I shared the basics of the Nonviolent Communication process. Today, I’ll share the five-step process as I use it.
1 – Self-Connect First
When in a conflict, self-connection has to come first in NVC. Until you give yourself empathy, you’re not open or available to get curious about how the other person is feeling and needing. So, when you feel angry, you pause and connect to the feeling and then see if you can figure out what you are needing. Check to see if this opens you up a little. Then … if you are feeling fairly calm, you can guess what the other person is feeling and needing.
2 – Empathy Guess
Mentally guess what the other person is feeling and needing and start radiating empathy. I like the quote by Lawrence J. Bookbinder that says “Empathy is like giving someone a psychological hug.” I like it because it reminds me to radiate empathy from within, not just run my mouth off. However, if you are confused and don’t feel confident that you are empathy guessing correctly, you can verbally guess. But try not to make it sound stiff. Something like, “You seem really frustrated. Is that right?” Tip – never say you understand and try to relate; you say what you perceive and ask if you’re correct.
When you know how the person is feeling, you can guess 
at the needs. “So, do you need support finishing your project?” or “So, you’re frustrated about work. Do you think you need to take a break and go for a walk?” It doesn’t matter if you’re wrong. Just being curious and open and interested tends to have a very calming effect on everybody. The more skilled you are the more you can sense when the other person is feeling understood, clear, and open.
3 – Share your feelings and needs
If it’s a two-way conflict, you deserve to be heard, but it goes best when the other person first feels understood, clear about his/her needs, and is open to yours. So at this point you can say, “Well, I’m also a little frustrated because I need more respect. When you are frustrated and start stomping around the house, I feel nervous and upset. It also distracts me from the work I’m trying to do. I’d prefer if you’d just come talk to me when you get frustrated because I really want to support you.”
4 – Time to Strategize.
When everyone has shared and is feeling open, you can strategize. If the person wants help finishing a project you can ask if they want you to physically help or if they want you to take the kids so the house can be quiet or if they want you to go buy supplies while they progress at home. Whatever. But as an equal, your needs are equally important, so if you need to finish something before you help, take the kids, or go for supplies, you say so and give an estimated time that you will be available. This is respectful to everyone.
Important Insertion: The Value of Following Through
This is huge. When you make a strategy, it needs to be concrete and measurable. Like, “I need to finish what I’m doing. I think it’ll take 30 minutes. Then I can take the kids to the park.” Then you set an alarm clock for 25 minutes! Why? Because you are at a place where you will either build or damage trust. Your integrity is on the line. I know this may sound extreme, but I assure you it is not.
Trust is everything in a relationship, and people are always subconsciously wondering if you they can trust you to do what you say you’ll do. If you follow through on the little things, people know they are important to you and they’ll feel more trusting when bigger things come up. Mattering is one of the basic human needs on many NVC needs lists, and so is trust. If you see you won’t be able to follow through, you need to let the person know ASAP and give them an updated plan they can count on.
5 – Analyzing – Did the Strategy Meet the Need?
If a strategy meets a need, you feel positive feelings like peace, contentment, connection, joy, gratitude, or excitement. These feelings point to needs that have been met like clarity, comfort, trust, support, or fun. If you try a strategy but you still feel, say, disconnected, you need to try a different strategy for connection.
For example, in the Marriage Maintenance post a couple of weeks ago, there were four strategies discussed for marriage maintenance: having a brief talk in the morning, talking again briefly in the evening, going on a fun date once a week, and having a scheduling and problem-solving session once a week. There was also a reminder that there needs to be 5-10:1 positive to negative interaction ration. Meaning, there need to be between five and ten positive interactions to every negative one in order for a marriage to thrive. The lower number is for stable and thriving marriages. The upper is for marriages that need some healing. These strategies are all intended to building love, trust, and connection. However, some marriages may need more conversation and some may really thrive if the partners pray together daily. Some people may find that they like date night at home where others may really need to get away from home. The question is always, what needs are these strategies intended to meet? Then, did they meet the needs?
Here’s a video clip of Marshall Rosenberg explaining the basics of NVC. If you want to learn more about NVC, just go on YouTube and search the name “Marshall Rosenberg” or “Nonviolent Communication” and you’ll find quite a few good videos teaching and demonstrating NVC. If you are a reader, the book Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation is the book I recommend that people start with.
Improving your ability to connect with compassion and empathy will definitely support in having …
Happy Home Evenings!
No Comments Yet